Her Melancholy

How can one survive from struggles that go beyond the deepest of all despair? Life can be very ironic knowing that when you are at it, just when you thought you are already on track, it all fades right in front of you. No one would ever be enough to someone who suffers loneliness quietly. No one will ever be enough to someone who goes through hell alone. It won’t always be a two-way travel. Sometimes, when you actually thought you are accompanied by another on a ride, you’re totally alone after all. It is crazy in my world. I am in a crowd of many faces. I laugh and smile, and live like I am not alone, but after all the many lights and the many faces, I take off my mask and face the reality that I am alone. I feel alone. How am I to heal these wounds when I can’t seem to remember how I ever acquired so many. I am dumbfounded almost every single minute I come across myself in the mirror knowing that I can’t find my way out and be free. I just want to be free. I am like a dove that can’t fly, a child that can’t play, a toy kept away. I am nothing but a mere existence with no purpose of living. How can one survive the loneliness alone? How could I have been surviving when all this time I feel dead. Life is indeed a tricky little devil. It toys you around without regards to what may happen or how it may all end. I couldn’t find the beginning and I’m running across the end, or it is really the end? I am lost. It is amusing to see how people laugh at me. How people don’t seem to care. How they fail to see the loneliness in me. How they refuse to find the emptiness in my eyes. How they find it difficult to notice the brokenness of my soul. I am as fragile as a china doll that fell so many times that when one lifts will shatter my whole being. I am as hollow as the darkest of all shadows that everyone fears to become, and yet I am the lucky one who’s in all of these pitiful sorrow. It is but scary and I have grown accustomed to it. I have lived with it. I have become it. So now I ask what is happiness’ true worth? Is it to see someone suffer while you go and prosper? How can it ever be fair for someone who is in their deepest despair when all their lives, everything is as shallow as the darkest of all shadows. How can I ever be free from all the monsters inside of me? They scream in my head as I cry for help. They flood my mind with scary faces I run away from almost all the time. I am overpowered by the many devastating cries of all the worse agony and pain that not many can hear and yet I was strong enough to tolerate and bear with every beating of my heart to surpass the crashing and deepening of each scar. I am probably a monster now with no trace of humanity. I was eaten by the system of the ugliness everyone has set standards upon those they find unworthy. I am unworthy. I was placed here by those who thought were superior enough to those who were weak. Too weak to defend themselves from the monstrous attacks thrown at them. Now tell me? How do you actually live when you were more than brutally killed on countless times? How do you go on? I am lifeless inside and glowing outside. I have concealed all this in me. Perhaps for this part, there is such thing as eternity. It is endless. How do we end this? How can you beat a monster, when mine does not sleep under my bed, it sleeps inside my head.

cold toys children lonely selective coloring nostalgia sadness grief 3888x2592 wallpaper_www.wallpapername.com_41.jpg

Advertisements

Battle of Life

People would normally ask “How are you?” out of courtesy. In reality, we can’t really tell its sincerity. I’ve learned a lot in life to believe that happiness can’t be that simply explained with just by saying you “chose to be happy”. For someone who quietly suffers through depression, who can really decipher how one person can be found okay out from seeing them normally smile and laugh as though nothing is ever wrong. One’s brokenness can never be defined in words we choose to best describe them with. It is quite tricky to think that we can pacify their pain with calming words we call advice. It is not easy to smile and be okay outside while we try so hard to push that feeling of emptiness inside.

– I battle myself through this all the time. I am sad and at some point even far beyond sadness. I feel alone sometimes. No one understands. Why? what makes it so hard to see? I don’t know what I want anymore. I try to find myself every single waking day just so I could put myself back in place. I am lost. I think I lost myself for such a long time and whoever I am right now is simply a balled up self-created out of circumstances and false pretense. I am forced to fit myself in every situation to please whoever is appalled of my very existence. I feel suffocated. I feel tired. I feel empty. I am trying to be so strong just so I won’t be asked anything by anyone. I am trying to be strong enough to stay away from veering eyes that kill me every minute. I am tired that sometimes I want to just disappear. I can’t find myself.

People would always say find peace and content in everything you do. To find your own center of happiness. In reality, no one realizes how hard it is to recreate yourself every single moment you could just to find what’s left of whatever is inside you that might, just might turn things around. In the end, the sad part is that I see beauty in everything but me. So what’s left of it then?

People suffer from depression and there are all sorts of it out there. I for one is a victim of it. My outlet at the moment is to continuously write my thoughts to all possible places I could just to voice out things that cannot be told or described by words. Let us be gentle to people who goes through their pain by simply reminding them that they are not alone. Sometimes a simple non-talking companion, would always be best from one who blabbers a lot with no sensible content in the thoughts that they try to share. Keep in mind that everyone, indeed everyone has a story and we can never tell what they’ve gone through that changed them. So before we go about judging how they are and what they should or could have been, let us be sensitive and put ourselves in their shoes.

 

credits to the owner of the photo.

Healing Time

Today is August 29, 2016, it’s been more than 2 years from the time I cut ties from that one person. I can’t quite remember the last time I ever talked about him. I’ve been trying to asses myself about how things has been since then and so far I believe that I’ve been doing awfully great. My little Prim is growing fast that I sometimes forget she’s just 2 years old. She is a very smart little cutie knowing her age, who would’ve thought she’d be this way. I feel so blessed being her mother. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t dream about him either. The pain remains there somewhere inside me. I guess  I just finally managed to block it away. I forgive him, that’s a fact. I guess I forgive but I never forget. I don’t find it a bad thing probably because this way it helps me keep myself reminded of the things that hurts the most. Helps keep me keep track of what I should be doing from not.

Am I ready to face him? I believe so. I’ve already done that numerous times. However, this time, my daughter is not for his taking at all. I decided long time ago that I don’t need anything from him. Not because of pride but because she doesn’t deserve the heartache I had to deal with all through out. Time heals all wounds and two years of it is a bit too short for the healing. Perhaps when Prim gets older, we could sit down and talk about it. I’m not a bad Mother to take her right of seeing her Father away from her, but – this should be something discussed under my terms. Either way, this will all be charged to experience.

So what are my plans? I couldn’t think of anything right now. All I know is I’m still taking things one day at a time, since breathing alone is something new to me after being suffocated for a very long time. Two years alone is not at all bad. I’ve been dating someone exclusively right now and the good thing about it is he is very supportive which means that we don’t need rushing. Love is there, it always will be but TRUST? this will take a while. I have to admit that I am in the process of learning how to give chances again- Trust issues can be a killer you know. I’ll get there in time -no doubt about it.

My priority right now is to make sure I provide everything that Prim needs. The love and care she needs, the attention and all that good and bad that may come and go for us both. I love her with all my heart up to my last breath it all belongs to my daughter. My life is hers and only hers. I can’t promise to be a perfect Mother, but I can be good enough for her. The journey is scary but I’ll be here for her no matter what. I just hope she doesn’t grow too fast.

 
 

A Message for the Swans

People definitely come and go. We come to a circumstance where we have to learn to let go of things and understand why it had to happen. Though it may hurt in the beginning, eventually we will find its true reason. Of the many years I’ve worked, this was the second time I’ve experienced great leadership and immeasurable team work. The last time I had a taste of great work was way back when I was part of Team Epic. Now I’ve experienced another group of people who’s proven themselves in so many ways – Team Cygnus.

The journey with you guys was not quite long from what we can say but the many tales of what we’ve done and proven deserved a great deal of recognition. From quiet assumed weak underdogs to MAD geniuses.. It is but amazing to be part of such awesomeness. As to what we often say “Great minds speak softer, whilst empty vessels makes the loudest noise”. I want to thank the friendship we’ve created.

The sarcasms and the never ending laughter of how silly Troy was or how forgetful Angel gets. Of how bossy and angry toned I am, and how clingy Iya and I was of each other. How Iya turned into Troy’s supposed sarcastic big sister. How Nica fearlessly voiced out her unfiltered comments (given that she’s our youngest member). How we gave kuya Dennis a new pet name “Double D”. How we consistently laughed at Kenneth’s never ending rants. How we paired up the KIKIAM love team. How we kept wondering why Liam was often late and how generous he was to us. How we bullied each other every single day and blamed 3/4th of the many things to Troy. How we laughed at Troy’s “HAPPY FEET TWO” and AD’s “ANAK NI BABY AMA”.

How we almost lost grip of the bond we created over a little misunderstanding and how we worked on putting us all back together. How we consistently heard Tricia’s voice all over the floor, while she yells at everyone’s incompetency (that’s how it often sounded like. haha). How we often wondered what’s inside Christian’s head on his every single smirks, how we tried to push Aaron to talk a lot more which he eventually did. How we often planned on eating out but never really got to do so HAHAHAHA. How we bullied Jayward for being single. How Glory remained ever so quiet but has her little jokes in SLACK. How we created a SUMO family (Angel, Nica, Jayward). How Tricia mandated the fees, how she kept saying we were failing well in-fact that we weren’t (such a control freak hahaha).

How we often exchange threats over winning ahead of each other’s scores. How we shared our little petty life stories to each other. How we took selfies without Tricia noticing. How Tricia had to boss us around whenever she wanted something and then laugh at the guilt when she hears us complaining. How Tricia tries so hard to pull a prank and yet fails, coz she cant contain herself from laughing. She can’t even hold on a poker face not even for a while. How honest and straightforward everyone was. How we were like grade school students being managed by a very very cool teacher. How Tricia was being so motherly to us. The work load was light and even when we were pressured, we always pulled each other through it. Above all, I am grateful because she believed in us. She was the only one who did when everyone else thought we couldn’t make it.

We were a FAMILY. Our group name CYGNUS tells so much about the mixture of people we all are. We were ugly ducklings turned to beautiful swans. I know it will be difficult to find the same group of people and I hope the bond does not end when we reach the last part of being together. I don’t intend to not keep the bond that I will forever cherish.

After-all it’s not everyday that you get to find another set of smarty pants who can deal with your sarcasms. Life is a roller coaster ride and we can never tell what happens next. What’s important is that no matter the distance or the many changes that may occur. The FRIENDSHIP stays well knitted to each other. Thank you and cheers to awesomeness!

06082016 -Scattered Thoughts

There are many stages in life where you get to experience remarkable things. May it be happy or sad or even in the in-between. These memories are there to teach you the morals of life. I recall how an old saying goes, “we can’t undo what has already been done but we can do what is not..memories need not to be erased, instead, we have to grow old with them and allow time to do the healing and the season to cover the past with the new.”.I personally think that’s how it should always be however, it can be a case to case basis.

I’ve been through a lot, and it has been awfully crazy. I’ve had my dealings and I’ve been battling with my demons, as you all know I was never perfect. Sometimes I find it scary to have to always check on the skeletons I left in my closet, but it has helped me heal with time. Now I am on a new phase and it is another set of struggle. So how do I begin to tell?

Perhaps there are times when I come to realize the massive change that was applied on me. I wonder if I am being fare to others. I’m in a relationship right now and it’s complicated. I have a child and he has his son. The struggle is that reality stings like a bitch and as you all know, situations like this is not always hearts and flowers. It’s hard to battle with the fact that there is an unannounced competition. Is it so selfish of me to demand and battle against the rights of his own child? Sometimes I think I am and I am sorry for it. I’m rather annoyed over the idea that the EX exists and meddles with our lives using the child. As much as I want to try and have control over the situation, it will still boil down to the fact that I do not have any business with whatever they have to deal with. I want him to understand that I love him and all that comes with it may it be good or bad. Then again, on the latter part I end up thinking so much of what could have been had we taken a chance on making things work the other way. Maybe I am half jealous to see how he puts all his attention over them and I feel the guilt of trying or even thinking of taking that away from him. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I am trying to take it slow doing it one day at a time. So I’m wondering whether my impatience is killing the fun of the current situation, or does overthinking overpower the matter?

We’ve been planning things out. And to be honest about it, we have had much better control now compared to the first time we ever got ourselves in a relationship. He’s a good man and I am always grateful that I have him. I remember how he takes good care of me as much as he can. I have to admit that not all men now can do what he does to think that I am a single mom. Yes we often argue, and he gets overly annoying at times, but at the end of the day, he loves me better and better.

Perhaps its fear that is mostly consuming me. You see, I’ve been through difficult times and I can’t blame anyone for it. I’ve been through darker days am and luckily I had the guts to lay out all my cards. I can never be thankful enough to see how he accepted it all without any doubts or hesitations. I know how I can be unfair to him at times and I wish I am able to show him how much I value the things he do or how he loves me. Some may not completely understand what we saw in each other. All I can say is that after all these years we fell apart and came back to each other’s arms, he is meant for me. We are meant to have each other. We are like yin and yang. It’s as if I was created to tame him while he was built to care for me. It’s like his red string is tightly connected to mine. Surely one of these days I could go talk about how our life together started. For now, I’m left to meddle and see how everything else would go.

12593887_10207306145685782_4426828115587465768_o

Testing the waters

How can you tell the difference from a then and now? I would say through experience. I have proven that unconditional love is when you continuously care for someone without asking for anything in return. When you do you say you’ve had enough? when your heart turns numb to the point of being unable to comprehend emotions. I am in between. I am sailing on the longest sea I have ever seen trying to think hard of what I should do. Should I go right ahead and dive into the waves and not worry of what may happen? Or should I go test the waters slowly first, Will I be able to take the coldness of the sea relating it to life’s cruelty and pleasure? Or must I go to the right kind of water where I can confidently dip in. I am undecided and I know it may take a while to fully comprehend the very situation that I am in. The least I can do perhaps is to hope for the better. I know I am not in the specifics for this topic for I too am bewildered. So for now, I will settle with testing my waters first.

IMG_4851

something to think of

Sometimes I  just wonder.. How will my life be like a few more years from now? I am now in the in-between, if you know what I mean. I still believe in ever afters somehow, but it does not top my list anymore. Could it be because I am clouded by the fact that practicality comes first in line? Does destiny even exist? Or is it just a figment of some hopeful imagination. Probably it may be based on our everyday choices I would say. Am I cut out to be single? or will I find the right match for me? Who can ever tell.

 

I envy those of the personalities I see on TV. Their proposals, the surprises, their very own love story and happy endings. As for me I guess I just mentally and emotionally decided to not believe in love and magic anymore. After all, I have a daughter now, what more could I ask for. I am complicated and it is never easy being around me. If perhaps time decides on it, I would say I am better off alone like this. Free from hassle and drama. However, in the long run of such idea. while I see pairs of hearts being broken and mended, laughter’s shared and memories cherished. It is still nice to have someone to come home to everyday. I can be fickle minded sometimes and I have my flaws, but I guess only a real man can live up to fact that I am not perfect but I am capable of love too. With that said, I suppose I should still hold on to fairy tales and happy endings. I still have it at the back of my mind. It is, and will always be part of a girl’s personality, because I believe that every girl deserves a happy ending. An ever after worth keeping forever.

 

quotes212_large

 

 

Last December 8, 2014 was the first time I actually joined a fashion competition. The theme was “Avant Garde”. It was a fun experience because it was my first time to use my make up skills (widow knowledge). I just wanted to share my work and I hope I can learn more from the ideas you may share. It was a fun and unforgettable event.

 

Credits to my friends:

Jinkee (for taking the pictures)

Jacky (my chosen model)

Mae and Mj (for the moral support)

*tormented princess*

 

10833752_4882968808143_404123918_n 10850373_4882967008098_497656654_n 10836216_4882968928146_812460596_n  IMG_426410822672_4883134412283_609883376_n10841219_4883232054724_786782080_n

How?

 

 

How am I to begin my life from the time it was ended by him? I start from scraps and bits of pieces that I should pick up and sew myself back together. Did I fall for the wrong person? perhaps. Or maybe time had to teach me a lesson. Who can ever tell what the purpose is. At this very moment all I know is that I am sick of crying this pain out. I have to move on. This is not just for me but also for my child. The painful part though is that I can’t shake things off my shoulder. Do I really need to disappear? Take her with me and be gone? I am a strong person. I have thought myself to be one. This situation should have not been this hard. All I know is that this would cuts even deeper everyday. I am causing my own sorrow when I could have just let go. Must I be afraid? possibly from judging eyes? It scares me I think. I am lost, out of focus, I am confused. Us together is tragedy and I can’t even see the light. The slightest hope of fixing us is already long gone and I think the only reason why I am holding on is because of the idea that I have given 4 years of time life and effort to him. Deep inside, I have hopes of finding him in a better situation. But I guess as time rolls on it all seems like falls hope and nonsense longing. I don’t want to wait in vain.sad-love-quotes-005

lost

10478152_10203383381099119_6437975839891101600_n

What do you do when you know love is not always the answer to your sad lapses ? I always find myself  in deep thoughts trying to provide the right answer to my own question. It’s been a while since I last wrote about my life … I’ve been pretty much busy with my little bundle of joy, being that perfect Mom for my daughter and all. Now as time flies and I am left alone watching my baby sleep I end up thinking. I love my child’s father but like I said love is never enough, it just won’t ever be. Am I then cut out to be single ? I don’t want to think that way but my thoughts direct me to the idea. One night he asked me a question then I was surprised to find out that I was afraid to answer, I believe I’m lost in the between of our lives together. My daughter is growing fast everyday and the thought of her growing fears me, what should I tell her what answers should I provide to feed her curiosity , I don’t want to over think but I always end up doing so. what should I do then. Sometimes I just wish that life was less complicated. Maybe then I would know the answer.

Occupation: Full-time Mommy

Being a full time mom is not an easy task .. but it is rewarding specially when you see that little smile on your little one’s face 🙂 . Days do fly so fast, she’s nearly two months aside from gaining weight and aging she ow knows how to play, laugh and call your attention. She shows how smart she is in her own little ways, babies now a days are magical. I love watching her specially when she sleeps. She is such a darling.

Occupation: Full-time Mommy

A new life

Last January 13, 2014 at 2:35pm I have given birth to a lovely daughter, her name is Primrose Frankie Nicole. I named her Primrose after my favourite movie called hunger games, I found the meaning of the name online which meant Prim = primary or first and Rose = a kind of flower or a name for a girl, so in the dictionary it meant first rose which makes total good sense because she is indeed my first and she is my rose. Her second name Frankie was given by her father, he wanted to give her his name and last her third name Nicole was her given name, the one I kept dreaming about before I got pregnant. So if I was to be asked how my life has been after giving birth? It feels good and fulfilling at the same time. Every morning I wake up to see the lovely face of my child continuously wondering how magical life is and how such creation is possible to happen. A normal mind can never explain it which reminds me of a saying I heard from a Korean movie titled 200 pounds beauty “Only God has the power and capability to do things and wonders, we humans only do what we are capable of.” It helps to remind us that we need not to question nor should we seek for an explanation, for all there is to make it happen is faith.

So to elaborate the experience, the hardest part of all was going through the labour. It took me about over 31 hours of labour before I even started to contract. It was an excruciating pain and panic also eagerness to see the baby come out safely and alive. The moment I saw my baby after gaining conscience from fainting and being knocked out for 4 hours, it was a tear jerker. Now I definitely know the answer to the famous question “what is the essence of being a woman”. It is to be able to produce life, going through the whole nine months of carrying the baby in the tummy is already a struggle, you have to be extra careful all the time, plus the diet, the back pains and baby kicks, the nausea and headaches you feel almost every day, easy tiredness from a short period of walk, strained muscles and all that’s in between during pregnancy. It is a battle to survive until the big day of delivery. An unforgettable experience, one that I will always be proud of. So cheers to all my fellow moms and mothers to be.

A new life