06082016 -Scattered Thoughts

There are many stages in life where you get to experience remarkable things. May it be happy or sad or even in the in-between. These memories are there to teach you the morals of life. I recall how an old saying goes, “we can’t undo what has already been done but we can do what is not..memories need not to be erased, instead, we have to grow old with them and allow time to do the healing and the season to cover the past with the new.”.I personally think that’s how it should always be however, it can be a case to case basis.

I’ve been through a lot, and it has been awfully crazy. I’ve had my dealings and I’ve been battling with my demons, as you all know I was never perfect. Sometimes I find it scary to have to always check on the skeletons I left in my closet, but it has helped me heal with time. Now I am on a new phase and it is another set of struggle. So how do I begin to tell?

Perhaps there are times when I come to realize the massive change that was applied on me. I wonder if I am being fare to others. I’m in a relationship right now and it’s complicated. I have a child and he has his son. The struggle is that reality stings like a bitch and as you all know, situations like this is not always hearts and flowers. It’s hard to battle with the fact that there is an unannounced competition. Is it so selfish of me to demand and battle against the rights of his own child? Sometimes I think I am and I am sorry for it. I’m rather annoyed over the idea that the EX exists and meddles with our lives using the child. As much as I want to try and have control over the situation, it will still boil down to the fact that I do not have any business with whatever they have to deal with. I want him to understand that I love him and all that comes with it may it be good or bad. Then again, on the latter part I end up thinking so much of what could have been had we taken a chance on making things work the other way. Maybe I am half jealous to see how he puts all his attention over them and I feel the guilt of trying or even thinking of taking that away from him. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I am trying to take it slow doing it one day at a time. So I’m wondering whether my impatience is killing the fun of the current situation, or does overthinking overpower the matter?

We’ve been planning things out. And to be honest about it, we have had much better control now compared to the first time we ever got ourselves in a relationship. He’s a good man and I am always grateful that I have him. I remember how he takes good care of me as much as he can. I have to admit that not all men now can do what he does to think that I am a single mom. Yes we often argue, and he gets overly annoying at times, but at the end of the day, he loves me better and better.

Perhaps its fear that is mostly consuming me. You see, I’ve been through difficult times and I can’t blame anyone for it. I’ve been through darker days am and luckily I had the guts to lay out all my cards. I can never be thankful enough to see how he accepted it all without any doubts or hesitations. I know how I can be unfair to him at times and I wish I am able to show him how much I value the things he do or how he loves me. Some may not completely understand what we saw in each other. All I can say is that after all these years we fell apart and came back to each other’s arms, he is meant for me. We are meant to have each other. We are like yin and yang. It’s as if I was created to tame him while he was built to care for me. It’s like his red string is tightly connected to mine. Surely one of these days I could go talk about how our life together started. For now, I’m left to meddle and see how everything else would go.

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