Her Melancholy

How can one survive from struggles that go beyond the deepest of all despair? Life can be very ironic knowing that when you are at it, just when you thought you are already on track, it all fades right in front of you. No one would ever be enough to someone who suffers loneliness quietly. No one will ever be enough to someone who goes through hell alone. It won’t always be a two-way travel. Sometimes, when you actually thought you are accompanied by another on a ride, you’re totally alone after all. It is crazy in my world. I am in a crowd of many faces. I laugh and smile, and live like I am not alone, but after all the many lights and the many faces, I take off my mask and face the reality that I am alone. I feel alone. How am I to heal these wounds when I can’t seem to remember how I ever acquired so many. I am dumbfounded almost every single minute I come across myself in the mirror knowing that I can’t find my way out and be free. I just want to be free. I am like a dove that can’t fly, a child that can’t play, a toy kept away. I am nothing but a mere existence with no purpose of living. How can one survive the loneliness alone? How could I have been surviving when all this time I feel dead. Life is indeed a tricky little devil. It toys you around without regards to what may happen or how it may all end. I couldn’t find the beginning and I’m running across the end, or it is really the end? I am lost. It is amusing to see how people laugh at me. How people don’t seem to care. How they fail to see the loneliness in me. How they refuse to find the emptiness in my eyes. How they find it difficult to notice the brokenness of my soul. I am as fragile as a china doll that fell so many times that when one lifts will shatter my whole being. I am as hollow as the darkest of all shadows that everyone fears to become, and yet I am the lucky one who’s in all of these pitiful sorrow. It is but scary and I have grown accustomed to it. I have lived with it. I have become it. So now I ask what is happiness’ true worth? Is it to see someone suffer while you go and prosper? How can it ever be fair for someone who is in their deepest despair when all their lives, everything is as shallow as the darkest of all shadows. How can I ever be free from all the monsters inside of me? They scream in my head as I cry for help. They flood my mind with scary faces I run away from almost all the time. I am overpowered by the many devastating cries of all the worse agony and pain that not many can hear and yet I was strong enough to tolerate and bear with every beating of my heart to surpass the crashing and deepening of each scar. I am probably a monster now with no trace of humanity. I was eaten by the system of the ugliness everyone has set standards upon those they find unworthy. I am unworthy. I was placed here by those who thought were superior enough to those who were weak. Too weak to defend themselves from the monstrous attacks thrown at them. Now tell me? How do you actually live when you were more than brutally killed on countless times? How do you go on? I am lifeless inside and glowing outside. I have concealed all this in me. Perhaps for this part, there is such thing as eternity. It is endless. How do we end this? How can you beat a monster, when mine does not sleep under my bed, it sleeps inside my head.

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